Flakes
If you ever ask an outsider that has spent time in the Golden State, one thing they are bound to tell you is how “flaky” Californians are. As a native who has spent a good amount of time living elsewhere in the country, I agree with this claim. Let us explore why I think this culture seems to be more prevalent here.
Definitions
What is “flakiness” anyway? The online dictionary defines it as:
lack of reliability : the tendency to behave or perform undependably
It usually manifests itself when trying to coordinate events with other people. All to often people make shallow commitments to events, even when there is money involved, only to bail out at the last second or just not show up at all.
Examples
Here are a few examples of flaking that I have personally experienced:
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The House Party: I have hosted a couple parties at my house for friends. Inevitably some people will RSVP as a “yes” to the party and not come. A few of these people are courteous enough to text me a couple hours before saying they can’t make it because of an unexpected plastic surgery appointment. Others just silently do not show up at all.
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“Unexpectedly in Europe”: We were coordinating a large group trip to Yosemite with fifty people. Months in advance people had to put down non-refundable cash deposits to secure their spots. A couple days before the event, we received last minute cancellations from six or seven people on the trip. Some of these were due to sickness, but one dude’s excuse was “I’m in Spain on vacation right now and am not able to make it.” Didn’t he know he was going to be overseas several weeks ago?
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Dating: This can also happen on the dating scene as well, mostly from online dates. I have scheduled a couple dates in SF where I got last minute excuses about being late; ironically both were related to dogs. One of them texted me five minutes after our date was supposed to start saying that she was running late because she had to give her twin dachshunds their diarrhea medicine. I gave her the benefit of the doubt until she finally arrived and told me she only had half an hour left before she had to go home to watch “The Bachelor” with her friends. Another date just forgot to show up entirely; I texted her and she apologized saying that she had gotten sidetracked walking her dog. It was not all bad though: when she did arrive a half hour later she offered to make out with me on the spot as her penance.
It’s Culture
I am guilty of flaking a couple times in the past as well, we all have done it. The problem is not necessarily with people themselves, but rather that the surrounding culture of California enables flakiness. When lots of people do it, the behavior becomes normalized.
Too Many Good Options
California is a fantastic place to live because of the variety of different activities that are available year-round. I can surf, hike, ski, and party at the club all in one day. Especially in places like San Francisco and Los Angeles that attract lots of transplants, there is a huge energy from locals and outsiders to take advantage of as many of these opportunities as possible. People eventually realize that with endless options and only so many hours in the day, they cannot do it all. With so many great activities to choose from, it is very tempting leave one’s options open and pick the maximal option at the last second. “Yeah your park day sounds fun, I’ll be there [except if I get invited to go sailing on my friend’s boat, in which case I can’t make it]”.
Facebook enabled flake culture with its event scheduling feature. Most RSVP platforms have a simple “yes” or “no” response for guests to declare their intentions. Then Facebook said, “you know what the world needs? A ‘maybe’ option!”. That’s right folks, why authoritatively commit or politely decline when you can keep all your options open? I usually translate the Facebook event RSVP options as follows:
I was chatting with a friend about the “maybe” option recently, and she said she likes it because it gives her the option to be optimistic about attending an event (a “glass half full” mentality). I imagine that the intentions behind this feature were good, but in reality all it does is enable maximizers to optimistically commit to not committing.
Not Calling People Out
It is well-established that Californians tend to be outwardly “nicer” to strangers compared to their counterparts from the East Coast, specifically the Northeast. The culture of the state prefers to maintain a positive attitude and to be as inclusive as possible so as to not offend people in day-to-day conversation. We trade blunt honesty for fake positivity.
As it relates to flakiness, Californians are less likely to call out their friends for being rude. When no one is called out, their behavior is implicitly justified. Then the person who was flaked on “gets back” by flaking on someone else for a different occasion. Then those people flake on other people. Before you know it we are all swimming in a massive passive-aggressive pool of toxic flakiness culture.
The Elephant In The Room
I imagine someone reading this might argue that the reason that flakiness is common is because modern technology makes it very easy to flake without consequences. Most of my examples throughout this article revolve around electronic forms of communication, which make it far easier to flake behind the mask of a phone screen. One reason that Californians might seem to be more flaky is because most modern communication technology originates from California (iPhone, Facebook, Twitter, etc.). Being closer to the technology creators leads to a higher adoption rate and thus a higher level of flakiness than the rest of the country. Alas I am an ignorant Millennial, so if anyone reading this article is old enough to remember California flake culture or lack thereof prior to 2000, I would love to hear your thoughts.
The Antidote
Established culture is difficult to change, and technology is not going to go away, but there are ways we can strive to work against flake culture. I think Californians would be much better off if we admit that it is a problem and we take some action to counteract it. Here are some ideas that I have started to employ in my daily life.
- Make Commitments Early And Honor Them: I like to think of “yes” like marriage. When I answer “yes” to an invitation, I do it early and consider it a contract declaring that I am committed to the event. Barring truly extraordinary circumstances like illness or the death of a family member, I will be there.
- Be Thankful and Justify Declination: When someone invites me to something and I am not willing to commit, I politely decline and thank them for the invitation. It is important to be explicit with your friends that you appreciate their thoughtfulness to invite you. Always try to justify the declination: if you’re not interested in crowded spaces and someone invites you to a rave, then say “thank you so much for thinking of me but I get claustrophobic.” If you are already booked with something else, tell them “That sounds like a lot of fun but I already made a commitment that night.” Holding out for something better is not always a bad thing if there is a good reason and you are explicit about it: sometimes I tell my friends that I cannot commit because I am leaving Saturday night open for a potential second date.
- Offer An Alternative: If I cannot make a commitment for a friend because I am busy or not interested, I follow-up with a specific alternative either immediately or in the next couple days. “I’d love to come but I’m busy that night. How about we get dinner next week though? I’ll text you.” Don’t forget to text them either; one of my pet peeves is people who say “Let’s hang out sometime” to be nice but have no intention of ever following up on that offer.
- Make Up for Your Mistakes: It is not all black-and-white; there is going to be a situation where you flake intentionally or unintentionally. If you need to do it intentionally, treat it as if the social police fined you $500 every time you did it. Apologize to your friend and offer to make it up to them with a concrete alternative: treat them to dinner another night or whatever. If you are a girl that forgot to meet a guy for a date, offering to make out with him on the spot may help your apology 😘.
The previous suggestions help with not being a flake yourself, but the hardest part is calling out your friends for flaky behavior. I think there are respectful ways to do this. Here are a couple ideas.
- Communicate Directly (Ideally In-Person): As I mentioned above, it is a lot easier to flake electronically. When possible, aim to get commitments in person. If someone is not responding to a bulk invite, send a follow-up message to them directly. If you see them in person, bring up the invitation and encourage them to make a “yes” or “no” commitment to your face.
- It’s Okay To Say No: I see people struggle trying to fit too much into into their schedule, and they end up spreading themselves too thin trying to please everyone. I invited a friend to a party electronically, and it took him several unanswered text messages and an in-person conversation to eventually say “my girlfriend is hosting a party that night, but I might try to stop by yours for a little bit.” (This is the in-person equivalent of the Facebook “maybe”) I responded with “it’s okay to say no. I respect that”. Recognize that your friends are busy, and let them know it’s okay to decline because of other commitments.
- The Pre-Flake: Sometimes friends text me signaling a potential flake in the making. It is usually the day of the event when they message saying that they are now a “maybe” but will do everything they can to make it. Unfortunately at this point the flake is likely, and your only recourse is to address it in a funny or respectful way: “that’s a bummer. I was looking forward to spending time with you”, or my personal favorite “what is holding you back from committing?”. Sometimes if they haven’t made a commitment and the event time is looming you can ask “have you upgraded your RSVP from ‘flake possible’ to ‘yes’”? Be careful with that last one 😉.
- The Post-Flake: If someone committed to your event, never showed up, and didn’t communicate about it they deserve to be called out. This is not appropriate. Start off lightly by saying “I missed you at my party on Friday”. Sometimes it really is a misunderstanding and they will apologize and that will be the end of it. If you notice a pattern over time and you are close with this person, it might be better to tell them directly that their flakiness hurts your feelings. A lot of people would advise to “make better friends” (which I agree with), but delivering this kind of feedback to flakes may be the inspiration that motivates them to improve their behavior.
Like I said earlier, most of us including myself are guilty of flaking at some point in our lives. It is more prevalent in California than other places, but only an expensive research study could determine the root causes. One thing is for sure: to address the problem the first step is to acknowledge and talk about it. I encourage you to join me in holding ourselves and our friends to a higher standard when it comes to making and honoring commitments.